Bradezone

The fish died today.

E Pluribus Unum, or E. Plurb for short, was snuffed out overnight. Yesterday he had been as giddy as ever, shotputting himself throughout his waterlogged homestead with characteristic gusto. Today he was positioned sideways near the bottom of his refuge, frozen in a majestic pose as if he had thrusted himself to “the other side” readily. My sister had given him to me before she and her husband began their long trek to Toledo. Gleaning that the fish (whom she had named Franco) seemed ill-equipped for such a voyage, she allowed me to assume ownership. Soon afterwards, with the assistance of Ben and Ben, he received his new name in honor of his characteristic eyeballs, which reminded us of the pyramid eyeball on a dollar bill.

For several months thereafter E. Plurb lived life vigorously, chomping his goldfish pellets with a sense of purpose and only rarely pausing in quiet contemplation near the top corner of his abode. So today we see him off. I know not the cause of his expiration—my personal feeling is that either he choked on his food or suffered a heart attack due to hyperactivity—but I do know that BigBlueHat‘s mascot will not soon be forgotten.

Look, I’ve got no beef with Greenville, generally speaking. But what in the wide world of sports is the deal with our electrical infrastructure in this town? Every stinking time a rain cloud comes through, not only do massive wads of the city lose power, but the traffic lights on MAJOR ROADS routinely malfunction. When is the last time I have cruised down East North Street during rainy weather with the traffic signals operating normally? WRONG! It was a trick question, the answer is NEVER. And once you hear the crack of thunder, you can forget it, brother. Cars piloted by oblivious ne’er-do-wells will be flying through intersections as if they are avoiding roadside missile launchers.

The situation has become a complete joke. Greenville desperately needs to get its act together and improve our ability to sustain the mildest of summer storms without becoming the prototype for post-apocalyptic turmoil. All we need is ominous blue light throughout the city to complete the effect, but unfortunately that would require electricity, something we’re not great at producing in adverse conditions (if you define “adverse” as “not perfect”).

Perhaps one problem is the overabundance of traffic lights that need power. Witness the fact that 80% of the signals on East North are blatantly unnecessary and may actually include several private driveways (this data is currently unconfirmed). I advise getting rid of these lights and instituting a more sane solution that involves posting STOP signs at insignificant side streets. Seriously, what have some of these roads done to merit their own traffic signals, and why do they so often generate red lights for the main traffic on East North? I realize that 90% of the residents in this town prefer a driving pace somewhere between “leisurely” and “clinically dead,” but some of us tend to prefer a more efficient approach to travel.

I have said my piece. Now I challenge you, Greater Greenville Area, to step up to the plate and generate a solution. HINT: see previous paragraph for tips on a possible solution.

In the mid-80’s a cartoon series was broadcast that shaped a generation of dudes who needed the occasional break from people to watch a bunch of big honkin’ robots fight each other and transform into cool crap in the process. I am one such dude from that generation, and the cartoon I speak of is none other than The Transformers. Many years later a live action flick is now on the way, and as a lifelong fan of Autobots and even some Decepticons, my opinion on the matter is needed.

Wired magazine’s newest issue features an article about the new movie and its director, Michael Bay, who has put out various unimpressive tripe over the years. In response to the article, I wrote the following letter:

I suspect that the final question posed in your Michael Bay article best captures what Transformers fans such as myself are wondering: will we even recognize Optimus Prime (or anyone else) when we see him in Bay’s live action experiment gone awry? I have tried to remain open-minded about the new movie, hoping that it will deliver something for me to get excited about, but it’s starting to look like Megan Fox might be the only surefire reason to check it out. I don’t demand much from the story. I just want the characters I grew up with to look like themselves. Bay’s supreme arrogance and disregard for fans’ memories came through strongly in your article, and that type of attitude could spell disaster for the film, which really only needed to portray the original character designs faithfully to ensure success. These new bots look no better than those cheap knockoffs that used to be foisted upon us by Family Dollar and the like. Even as a kid, I knew they weren’t good enough. Why should things be any different now?

That sums up my feelings at present. I will watch the movie, and I will try to latch on to the entertaining aspects of it, as some are apparently able to do. But I have little doubt that it will fail mightily to live up to the 1986 animated movie that my fellow Transformers fans and I remember so fondly.