Bradezone

So yeah, here are some updates.

• I may be redesigning the site soon. By soon I mean some time during 2008.
• My fantasy hockey team won my league this year. Another t-shirt is headed my way.
• Baseball season is here, and I am rocking MLB Extra Innings this year. Yes, I am one of those people who celebrates Opening Day the same way a young child wearing one-piece pajamas celebrates Christmas morn.
• What is the origin of the phrase “I’ve got no beef with you”? What the heck does beef have to do with interpersonal conflict?
• At work I am helping improve our content management system, BlueInk, by creating an intuitive experience that would allow you to control your website’s layout, design, and content all from the front-end view of your site, eliminating the need for a separate administrative interface.
• I got a call recently from long-time friend, novel co-author, Bench member, and world traveler Ed Long, who is now rocking a beach house in Florida. I am due for an imminent visit.
• Less than four months stand between me and a two-week jaunt in the Pacific Northwest.
• My friends and I have contracted Rock Band fever. I am now executing most songs with lead guitar on Expert.
• My mom now has e-mail. And I think she visits my site from time to time. Hi, mom!

The fish died today.

E Pluribus Unum, or E. Plurb for short, was snuffed out overnight. Yesterday he had been as giddy as ever, shotputting himself throughout his waterlogged homestead with characteristic gusto. Today he was positioned sideways near the bottom of his refuge, frozen in a majestic pose as if he had thrusted himself to “the other side” readily. My sister had given him to me before she and her husband began their long trek to Toledo. Gleaning that the fish (whom she had named Franco) seemed ill-equipped for such a voyage, she allowed me to assume ownership. Soon afterwards, with the assistance of Ben and Ben, he received his new name in honor of his characteristic eyeballs, which reminded us of the pyramid eyeball on a dollar bill.

For several months thereafter E. Plurb lived life vigorously, chomping his goldfish pellets with a sense of purpose and only rarely pausing in quiet contemplation near the top corner of his abode. So today we see him off. I know not the cause of his expiration—my personal feeling is that either he choked on his food or suffered a heart attack due to hyperactivity—but I do know that BigBlueHat‘s mascot will not soon be forgotten.

Look, I’ve got no beef with Greenville, generally speaking. But what in the wide world of sports is the deal with our electrical infrastructure in this town? Every stinking time a rain cloud comes through, not only do massive wads of the city lose power, but the traffic lights on MAJOR ROADS routinely malfunction. When is the last time I have cruised down East North Street during rainy weather with the traffic signals operating normally? WRONG! It was a trick question, the answer is NEVER. And once you hear the crack of thunder, you can forget it, brother. Cars piloted by oblivious ne’er-do-wells will be flying through intersections as if they are avoiding roadside missile launchers.

The situation has become a complete joke. Greenville desperately needs to get its act together and improve our ability to sustain the mildest of summer storms without becoming the prototype for post-apocalyptic turmoil. All we need is ominous blue light throughout the city to complete the effect, but unfortunately that would require electricity, something we’re not great at producing in adverse conditions (if you define “adverse” as “not perfect”).

Perhaps one problem is the overabundance of traffic lights that need power. Witness the fact that 80% of the signals on East North are blatantly unnecessary and may actually include several private driveways (this data is currently unconfirmed). I advise getting rid of these lights and instituting a more sane solution that involves posting STOP signs at insignificant side streets. Seriously, what have some of these roads done to merit their own traffic signals, and why do they so often generate red lights for the main traffic on East North? I realize that 90% of the residents in this town prefer a driving pace somewhere between “leisurely” and “clinically dead,” but some of us tend to prefer a more efficient approach to travel.

I have said my piece. Now I challenge you, Greater Greenville Area, to step up to the plate and generate a solution. HINT: see previous paragraph for tips on a possible solution.